YOU STRUGGLE TO KEEP AN EARLIER MARRIAGE FROM OVERSHADOWING YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE.
“I can’t simply erase memories of my first marriage, especially when we travel to the same places where my ex-husband and I went on vacation,” says Ellen, who lives in South Africa.
“Sometimes I end up comparing my current husband to my former husband.” On the other hand, if your mate was previously married, you may resent it if your mate often talks about that marriage.
Create new memories that unite you as a couple
SUGGESTION: Accept the fact that it is unrealistic to expect that you or your mate will simply forget a first marriage, especially if it lasted several years.
In fact, some people admit that they have accidentally called their mate by the name of their previous spouse! How can you deal with such a situation or similar ones? “Try to understand each other,” advises the Bible.—1 Peter 3:8, New Century Version.
Do not jealously forbid all mention of a first marriage. If your mate feels the need to talk about life with his or her first spouse, listen sympathetically and compassionately.
Also, do not hastily conclude that you are being compared. “My wife Kaitlyn never viewed the topic of my late wife as taboo,” says Ian, who remarried ten years ago. “Rather, she saw it as a way to learn what made me who I am today.” You may even find that such conversations will help you to build a closer friendship with your new mate.
Focus on your present mate’s unique and positive qualities. True, your mate may lack certain qualities or abilities that your former spouse had. But your current mate likely excels in other areas.
Therefore, strengthen the foundation of your present marriage, “not in comparison with the other person,” but by reflecting on and appreciating what you love about your mate. (Galatians 6:4) A man named Edmond, who has been married twice, puts it this way, “Just as no two friendships are the same, so no two marriages are the same.”
How can you balance fond memories of your first marriage with the life you have started with your new mate? “I once explained to my wife that my first marriage was like a beautiful book written by my first wife and me,” says Jared.
“From time to time, I may open and read that book and reflect on our good experiences. But I don’t live in that book. Rather, my wife and I are writing our own book together, and this is where I now live happily.”
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